Where's da updates?

My computer has died on me so I am doing this so I can hopefully start blogging again.

Is there a feeling more frustrating than the feeling of lack of inspiration? The feeling of fleeting feelings and an inevitable end that may not even be inevitable. I can't help but be overwhelmed with the senstion of being left behind, while everyone has all these amazing talents and goals what do I have? I'm missing the feeling of freshness and excitement, almost like a lonesome, personal rutt of sorts. It's a feeling that will surely pass but I can not stand this stale, gut renching feeling that keeps telling me that there is nothing and no one for me. It keeps telling me that even though there are all these people in my life, I'll always come second to something or someone. This may even sound selfish becuse I can't be the highlight of everyones life, but everyone want's to feel loved unconditionally. It's hard giving away so much love and hardly recieving any back, how can I recycle the love with everyone is putting it in the trash? I feel at odds with my own self and I'm not sure how to find resolve within myself, I need to stop relying on theres to make me happy but that is simply easier said than done.

Just having one of those days where I just through sentence structure and poetically formed words out the window, one of those days where I just need to let it out. It helped, thanks for reading.


Also, a blog doesn't feel complete without a picture but I couldn't find one that fit the mood, so here is a picture of a giraffe. 
-M.

Turning Tables- Adele

This is a very short post, one of my shortest I believe but it was just something I desperately needed to get off my mind. What I got out of this post is that love can be frustrating due to the fact that you are relying on somebody else to hold your emotions and praying to God that they don't change their mind.
-M 


One of the hardest things for a person to hear is when the person you love think's that they don't deserve you. You would think that this would be better than most things they could say, but it isn't. When a person says this you can't help but think of how completely unfair that thought is. When this person gives you the world but yet they think it is not good enough is incredibly heartbreaking, for the to look in your eyes and look as though they are internally struggling with the thought is a hard thing to see. The only thing worse than being told that you are not loved is someone telling you to stop loving.

Jupiter- Katy McAllister

It's unfortunately been a very long time, I had been having trouble finding inspiration but I think I found it. I hope you all enjoy
-M.


I'm in love, young  love, the best kind of love. It's not luv love but actual love love, something I've been waiting for sometime for. It was so unexcepted that I don't think I was prepared for it, I find myself becoming consumed with it; consumed in the best way. It's also not unrequinted, I have his undivided affections which is all I ask for. I know that this is the kind of love I'll remember for the rest of my life because it's gone far past infatuation or lust, it's been a fixation that has lasted for more than 2 years. You don't wait for years for someone who is just a crush, it has to be love. I don't ever want to be without him, he is so important to me and the fact that I'm young does not make it foolish or naive love. It's so real, more real than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. I love his face, his laugh, his over the top personality, how he is only warm towards me, and the way he always feels the need to kiss my hand while he's holding it. I'm so young, I'm aware of this but it just feels like no one else has something like this. It's so real, being able to just lay there and just appreciate the company we provide each other. We both feel the need to be wanted and be a vital part of each others life. Usually a 16 year old would not be so willing to commit at such an age but I've always just wanted to find someone to be a huge part of my life, like another half of me. You might look at this and think that it's just puppy love but It's so much more than that, so much that it's almost impossible for me to articulate my feelings. I do not ever want it to stop, my feelings, his feelings. It is too good to stop, nothing will compare. It's that love I've been waiting for, finally.

All About Us- He Is We

Someday Im going to have to have that love that I've always wanted. All the nights I spend laying awake at night and all the time I spend thinking up these scenario's of the perfect moment can not be in vain. I want to go dancing with someone I love, have a song that will be "our song", sit around just being together, and making plans for the future. Im only 16 years old which makes my dreams so distant, other teenagers do not think like this at all. All we do is damage each other, for no reason at all. A friend once told me that my problem is that I want to grow up and settle down right now, I just want to fall in love once and stay in love. At this age most people have a new love once a week and we're told that we do not even know what love is. Im not totally sure if this is true, I've only been in love once, which did not work out to my disappointment. The fact that I might not even know if that was real love does not make the situation better, infact it makes it almost more sad. I just want someone to look at me like Im exactly what they need, to want me for me, flaws and all. The concept of love is so flawed when you really think about it, but nothing sounds more perfect to me.

I've been wondering if I've been seeming deseperate or obsessive with the subject matter of my posts, so I thought that I would just point out the fact that Im definitely neither of the two. This blog is geared towards my views on the challenges of looking for love as a teen. There is obviously more to my life, like my family and friends, but my passion is writing about love. I just wanted to clear that up. I hope you enjoyed this entry.

-M.

Sun and Stars- Victory Sweet Victory

The one thing about moving on is the fact that I cant help but always compare every guy I see to my previous boyfriend. No two people are exactly the same and when something ends you want things to go back to being the same and if they cant you find someone to be a replacement. The problem with using someone as a replacement is that your feeling's aren't real, which isn't fair for yourself or the person your with. The thing that needs to be realised is that you and your previous partner did not work out for a reason so going out and finding someone similar to them in the long run is a bad idea. Its a vicious cycle that is very hard to break. Even sitting here writing this I find myself thinking about the past and how I would give anything to have that back, but not all of that relationship was good and its hard to see that when you can only focus on the parts that make you ache to have back. The first part of putting your life back together is moving on and just accepting the fact that things wont be the same. They might be better or they might get worse, but that risk is so worth it, in my opinion.

Just a little something I wrote up while on an extremely long car ride. Its been bugging me for a while, the thought of getting back out there and scared that I wont find anyone who will measure up to the last.

-M.

In sleep

Something I never liked about going to bed was the time between crawling under your covers and actually slipping into the sleeping state. The time where you get to reflect on your day, how bad it was, or how awesome it was but how tomorrow might not be. It makes me feel sad and lonely. Im always going to bed feeling so alone. It gives me time to think about how many times I`ve messed up or did something wrong with no distractions. I get to think about all the things that scare me like, death in the family, or some sort of embarrasment. All my fears come to the for front of my brain and theres nothing I can do about it until I fall alseep. The time before sleep in my humble opinion is the when people are at there most vunerable. The only relief is when you fall into a dream, where your thoughts are totally out of your control and all you can do is hope for the best.

Just a thought that popped into my head at 2 in the morning. It kept nagging at me so I thought if I wrote it down I could get some sleep. Night.
-M.