In sleep

Something I never liked about going to bed was the time between crawling under your covers and actually slipping into the sleeping state. The time where you get to reflect on your day, how bad it was, or how awesome it was but how tomorrow might not be. It makes me feel sad and lonely. Im always going to bed feeling so alone. It gives me time to think about how many times I`ve messed up or did something wrong with no distractions. I get to think about all the things that scare me like, death in the family, or some sort of embarrasment. All my fears come to the for front of my brain and theres nothing I can do about it until I fall alseep. The time before sleep in my humble opinion is the when people are at there most vunerable. The only relief is when you fall into a dream, where your thoughts are totally out of your control and all you can do is hope for the best.

Just a thought that popped into my head at 2 in the morning. It kept nagging at me so I thought if I wrote it down I could get some sleep. Night.
-M.

The heart breaks

The worse feeling in the world has to be the feeling of missing a person more than anything and having that person not even thinking twice about selling you out. Something worse than that though, is having that certain someeone be your first love.
Let me tell you a story, from the very beginning..
Ryan was someone who I would never go for, ever. He was this sports guy who cared more about his popularity more than anything, this guy would literally sell his own grandmother to fit in. Im the kind of person who doesn't feel the need to know every single person in the room, or have them know who I am. I want to be well liked, but being the center of attention is the last thing I want. So anyway, there was no way I would go for him. Not only was he not my type at all, but he was also lived half an hour from where I lived. But he was cute, nice, and was someone new, someone I usually wouldn't go for. Change is good, right?

Things while we were together were fantastic. He was the perfect boyfriend, called me every morning to say good morning and called every night to say good night. He would complement me, give me attention, everything a boy should do. The only problem was that I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, always saying the wrong thing, not impressing his parents fully, and just not understanding his life. After a while I started noticing little changes in him. He would control me, not wanting me to cut my hair or hangout with certain friends. These things were so little but they hurt a lot more than i thought he intended.

Finally, he ended things, I could hardly believe it, things seemed to be going so well. I was completely heart broken that it almost didn't make sense. Weeks earlier I had been thinking that me and Ryan were unbelievebly incompatible and that things were not going to work out, but as soon as he ended it with me the thought was unconceivable. The first guy I had ever let into my life, let meet my insane family, let be my first for so many things. I had never thought something would hurt so bad, but the worse part was that I knew this was only the beginning. Im only 16 years old, this would probably be the first shattered heart of many, this was a thought that was less than comforting.
-M.

There will probably be more than this, more of the after and how I feel now. If any of you have any thoughts or stories you'd like to share I'd be happy to read them. I hope you Enjoyed this more personal entry.
Also, the names that I use in these life story entries are not their actual names!

Blue Valintine

So this blog is not inspired by a song, but a movie I have recently seen. This movie got to me in a way never thought possible, for a movie atleast. I tried to write down how it made me feel which was actually incredibly hard. I hope I got my message across. Enjoy.

Have you ever seen something so depressing, so heart-breaking that it makes you just want to give up on your life? That would be the movie Blue Valintine. So without giving the whole movie away, it goes through the life of a young couple from where they meet and fall in love up until they have a daughter and are at odds with eachother. He's still totally in love with her, but she is at her wits end with him and doesn't feel the same about him anymore.

This movie made me feel so unbelievibly dissapointed in love. This happens to so many people, falling out of love. Thats one thing I hope never happens to me, is loving someone, giving them everything, having them be this huge part of your life, than suddenly not feeling the same way about them anymore. I cant even wrap my head around how unbelievibly sad that is, not to mention frustrating. You want this person, no, need this person more than anything and having them not feel for you in the same way. Like they say, " Its better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. "

-M.