All About Us- He Is We

Someday Im going to have to have that love that I've always wanted. All the nights I spend laying awake at night and all the time I spend thinking up these scenario's of the perfect moment can not be in vain. I want to go dancing with someone I love, have a song that will be "our song", sit around just being together, and making plans for the future. Im only 16 years old which makes my dreams so distant, other teenagers do not think like this at all. All we do is damage each other, for no reason at all. A friend once told me that my problem is that I want to grow up and settle down right now, I just want to fall in love once and stay in love. At this age most people have a new love once a week and we're told that we do not even know what love is. Im not totally sure if this is true, I've only been in love once, which did not work out to my disappointment. The fact that I might not even know if that was real love does not make the situation better, infact it makes it almost more sad. I just want someone to look at me like Im exactly what they need, to want me for me, flaws and all. The concept of love is so flawed when you really think about it, but nothing sounds more perfect to me.

I've been wondering if I've been seeming deseperate or obsessive with the subject matter of my posts, so I thought that I would just point out the fact that Im definitely neither of the two. This blog is geared towards my views on the challenges of looking for love as a teen. There is obviously more to my life, like my family and friends, but my passion is writing about love. I just wanted to clear that up. I hope you enjoyed this entry.

-M.

Sun and Stars- Victory Sweet Victory

The one thing about moving on is the fact that I cant help but always compare every guy I see to my previous boyfriend. No two people are exactly the same and when something ends you want things to go back to being the same and if they cant you find someone to be a replacement. The problem with using someone as a replacement is that your feeling's aren't real, which isn't fair for yourself or the person your with. The thing that needs to be realised is that you and your previous partner did not work out for a reason so going out and finding someone similar to them in the long run is a bad idea. Its a vicious cycle that is very hard to break. Even sitting here writing this I find myself thinking about the past and how I would give anything to have that back, but not all of that relationship was good and its hard to see that when you can only focus on the parts that make you ache to have back. The first part of putting your life back together is moving on and just accepting the fact that things wont be the same. They might be better or they might get worse, but that risk is so worth it, in my opinion.

Just a little something I wrote up while on an extremely long car ride. Its been bugging me for a while, the thought of getting back out there and scared that I wont find anyone who will measure up to the last.

-M.

In sleep

Something I never liked about going to bed was the time between crawling under your covers and actually slipping into the sleeping state. The time where you get to reflect on your day, how bad it was, or how awesome it was but how tomorrow might not be. It makes me feel sad and lonely. Im always going to bed feeling so alone. It gives me time to think about how many times I`ve messed up or did something wrong with no distractions. I get to think about all the things that scare me like, death in the family, or some sort of embarrasment. All my fears come to the for front of my brain and theres nothing I can do about it until I fall alseep. The time before sleep in my humble opinion is the when people are at there most vunerable. The only relief is when you fall into a dream, where your thoughts are totally out of your control and all you can do is hope for the best.

Just a thought that popped into my head at 2 in the morning. It kept nagging at me so I thought if I wrote it down I could get some sleep. Night.
-M.

The heart breaks

The worse feeling in the world has to be the feeling of missing a person more than anything and having that person not even thinking twice about selling you out. Something worse than that though, is having that certain someeone be your first love.
Let me tell you a story, from the very beginning..
Ryan was someone who I would never go for, ever. He was this sports guy who cared more about his popularity more than anything, this guy would literally sell his own grandmother to fit in. Im the kind of person who doesn't feel the need to know every single person in the room, or have them know who I am. I want to be well liked, but being the center of attention is the last thing I want. So anyway, there was no way I would go for him. Not only was he not my type at all, but he was also lived half an hour from where I lived. But he was cute, nice, and was someone new, someone I usually wouldn't go for. Change is good, right?

Things while we were together were fantastic. He was the perfect boyfriend, called me every morning to say good morning and called every night to say good night. He would complement me, give me attention, everything a boy should do. The only problem was that I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, always saying the wrong thing, not impressing his parents fully, and just not understanding his life. After a while I started noticing little changes in him. He would control me, not wanting me to cut my hair or hangout with certain friends. These things were so little but they hurt a lot more than i thought he intended.

Finally, he ended things, I could hardly believe it, things seemed to be going so well. I was completely heart broken that it almost didn't make sense. Weeks earlier I had been thinking that me and Ryan were unbelievebly incompatible and that things were not going to work out, but as soon as he ended it with me the thought was unconceivable. The first guy I had ever let into my life, let meet my insane family, let be my first for so many things. I had never thought something would hurt so bad, but the worse part was that I knew this was only the beginning. Im only 16 years old, this would probably be the first shattered heart of many, this was a thought that was less than comforting.
-M.

There will probably be more than this, more of the after and how I feel now. If any of you have any thoughts or stories you'd like to share I'd be happy to read them. I hope you Enjoyed this more personal entry.
Also, the names that I use in these life story entries are not their actual names!

Blue Valintine

So this blog is not inspired by a song, but a movie I have recently seen. This movie got to me in a way never thought possible, for a movie atleast. I tried to write down how it made me feel which was actually incredibly hard. I hope I got my message across. Enjoy.

Have you ever seen something so depressing, so heart-breaking that it makes you just want to give up on your life? That would be the movie Blue Valintine. So without giving the whole movie away, it goes through the life of a young couple from where they meet and fall in love up until they have a daughter and are at odds with eachother. He's still totally in love with her, but she is at her wits end with him and doesn't feel the same about him anymore.

This movie made me feel so unbelievibly dissapointed in love. This happens to so many people, falling out of love. Thats one thing I hope never happens to me, is loving someone, giving them everything, having them be this huge part of your life, than suddenly not feeling the same way about them anymore. I cant even wrap my head around how unbelievibly sad that is, not to mention frustrating. You want this person, no, need this person more than anything and having them not feel for you in the same way. Like they say, " Its better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. "

-M.

Chasing Pavements- Adele

I know i said I'd do this more often, but I had some technical and personal issues to work out before I could really start, so here we go. (Ps. I had this new idea to write while listening to a specific song and i thought if i put the song and artist as the name you could listen to what gave me the inspiration for the blog. Let me no what you think!)
Enjoy!

How do you know, especially at this age, what is love or what is lust? Lust, the word almost seems crude and rash, like saying you just want someone, not need them. I personally would rather be loved, not someones interest of lust. Such a hard word to wrap your head around. I find myself contidicting myself, everyone wants to be desired, but for me I want so much more. I want someone to not be able to breathe when Im not there, not almost feel phyical pain. Of course I want to feel that way towards someone too, preferably the one who feels the same way. Maybe its because Im young, that I feel this way, but then again its totally normal to feel this way. Doesn't everybody want that love that makes them give in and just lose total control. So romantic that it makes your skin feel tingly, makes your eyes water, makes your palms sweat in the most amazing way. Its been so long since I felt that, that is even if i've ever felt that at all, or maybe I just made it up to feel more whole.

-M

The Start

I wasn't exactly sure how far into detail I would get while doing these and I've decided that im not going to hold anything back. This blog will just be an introduction, im not too sure where Im going to start with the actual ones, or how long there going to be, etc. I already wrote down some interests of mine and just so everyone knows those interests change from time to time. Im thinking of making this a weekly thing, unless something big and interesting happens that I want to share. If I were to do it day to day it would get pretty dry, I dont even write in my diary everyday. So be expecting to see my first blog by tomorrow or Tuesday.
-M.